My heart's journey (Part 2)

Five years ago, I wrote about "My Heart's Journey" chronicling my experiences through different modes of transport -- by LAND (Master), by WATER (Mission), and by AIR (Mate).  For this article, pls. click www.mywedding.com/johnmarifel/blog_post_127855.html .  However, the article only featured my land and water journeys for at the time of writing, there had been no air travel to talk about yet. But since I am now about to take off , please allow me to share with you my pre-departure experience.. as I travel by AIR.

When I was 13, I made a promise that I won’t have a boyfriend while still studying in high school.  When I got to college, though I found it very difficult to sustain that promise, I still found myself making the same commitment.  Thankfully, I was blessed with friends who shared the same conviction to honor God by making our studies a priority and refusing to be entangled with a boy-girl relationship that may only divert us from our studies.  So by God's grace, when I turned 20 (before graduating from college), I was still singing my commitment song, “I promise” by Jaci Velasquez.

“So I promise to be true to You

To live my life in purity

As unto You

Waiting for the day

When I hear You say

Here is the one I have created

Just for you.”

(to get access of this song, click on this link:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_C862VpX3cY)

When I reached the age of 30, I however found myself still singing that song!!  

“Until then, O Lord I will be content

Knowing that true love

Will come SOMEDAY

It will only come from You”

And singing this part, however made me begin to wonder.. “Is there really a SOMEDAY for me?”  I was having this thought ‘coz until then, I still had never been in a relationship though for several times, I found myself nearly there... even to the point of compromising my convictions.  I'm just thankful that God does not forget.. and is faithful in making sure that I fulfill my promise.

The good thing, however was that at this time also, I came to see a bit clearly about God’s direction for my life.  And though I wasn’t quite sure that I’d been designed for marriage, I entrusted God for a man who is not only a Christ-committed follower but whose heart is into community development('coz it would be difficult for us both if we're going into different directions) and has never been in a romantic relationship as well (to be fair with me hahaha).  At 30, I knew that the last “non-negotiable” was nearly close to impossible.  But, I said to myself, why not ask God for the impossible.  After all, He is my GOD!

Incidentally, I had well-meaning friends who were so concerned that they even went to the extent of arranging dates for me or introducing me to some eligible bachelors.  In the workplace, I also got to meet some single men who seemed to show "interest". 

But as I celebrated my birthdays year after year since I turned 30, my interest in romantic relationships began to fade. And simply because I was having the time of my life.. family, career and ministry.  I couldn’t see myself anymore having a special someone to be with in the future.  I was enjoying my single life to the full! And one of my favorite verses, in fact at that time, was Hebrews 13:8,

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever."  

Holding on to that, I firmly believed (and still do) that if God is able to make me live my life to the full tothis day, He certainly can still do that in the morrow and for the rest of my life.. as He is consistent.  And as He is God, and my God, He just doesn't, and just can't contradict His Word!

By the time I reached 35, when everything around me seemed to be going so smoothly, I talked to God again about this area in my life, “Lord, I am thankful for everything.  At this point in my life, I really couldn’t ask for more.  But there’s just one thing that doesn’t seem to be settled yet.. is marriage really part of Your wonderful plan for me?  If it is, then let me meet, within the year (2011), that person that I’m going to marry (some ultimatum there, huh. 'glad the Lord doesn't get shocked by this type of prayers hehe).  Otherwise, I as a single shall "forever hold my peace".. not that I have a problem with that.  I just wanted to have some sort of a closure in this area in my life so I can move on freely.”  And by this time, I also wasn’t comfortable anymore singing, “I promise” especially when I got to the following lines…

“Though I may be YOUNG (note: for obvious reasons!)

I see and understand

That at times like sheep we go astray

And things get out of hand”

I told the Lord, "Please let me sing a new song naman by the time I reached the age of 40!". 

2011 was quite full for me that I entirely forgot about the prayer I made early that year.. or probably because I wasn’t just really bothered about being single that I didn't spend much time praying for a lifetime partner.  In the last quarter of the year, however I received another invitation to go out from the same pastor who had been asking me out for years.  But for the nth time, I turned down his invite...  and the possibility of a meaningful relationship with each other in the future.

Time flew so fast that before I knew it, I had to pack my bags for a Christmas holiday vacation home, which was in Davao City.  And just before the year ended, I attended our high school batch reunion.  To my surprise, this pastor was there.. for we happened to be batch mates (small world!).  A quick "hi - hello" thing finished off our meeting then we both scurried back home…  home to our respective worlds again.

The day after the reunion, I got a call from him asking me out (again!).. just for an "UPdate", according to him, "since we never had the chance to meet up in Manila (where we both are residing)".  Out of guilt and the desire to break this chain of “invite – turn down – invite” thing with him for four years or five years already, I agreed (finally!) to meet up with him to what he referred to as UPdate. 

And that was IT!  After a brief introduction, we hit it off.  We were like some old friends who haven’t met for quite a long time and were just picking up where we left off.  The amazing thing was.. it happened on 31 December 2011, the LAST day of the year when I asked God to let me meet the man whom He prepared me for marriage.  Isn’t God awesome?!!

I didn’t come to realize this though (the 2011 prayer in connection with my 31 December 2011 UPdate) until I was already seeking for God’s will after Pastor John communicated his lifelong intentions to me.  It really helps to keep a journal.. we will be reminded that God doesn't forget even if we do most of the time.

And then one by one, the “non-negotiables” I had when I was 30, lined-up in a flash before my very eyes:

-  Christ-committed follower, CHECK (he’s a Christian who has been pastoring a community church for seven years)

-  Heart is into community development, CHECK (in fact, he’s finishing his masters in community development at UP-Diliman)

-  Has never been in a romantic relationship, CHECK (the most surprising part actually, given his age)

With this, it seems like the next thing for me would be to say a resounding YES to Pastor John’s proposal, right?  That easy!  But no… because there’s one lingering issue since I was in college that I had to face:  I don’t want to be a pastor’s wife… NEVER!  And since John is a pastor.. then he must not be the one! But the funny thing was, while I could fully remember saying back then that I don’t mind trading off married life to singleness as long as I won’t be a pastor’s wife.. I just couldn’t remember the reason why I held on to that resolve for years!

As I continue to seek the Lord about His will in this matter through His Word, my mentors and close friends, and my mother, I was led to spend time in the Book of John Chapter 21 (that part where Jesus reinstated Peter and asked him three times if he loved Jesus).  I suddenly found myself in the shoes of Peter. If I were asked the same question three times, I would have echoed his answer without batting an eyelash.  Like Peter, I wasn’t getting what Jesus really meant with that question.  It’s always easy to say, “yes, Lord I love you”, but do I really know what does that love really mean?  

I had to face my fears  -- mostly fear of the unknown -- and put my trust in the Lord.  I came to realize that I didn’t actually trust Him enough.  And that’s what really gripped me to my uttermost especially when I got to read Genesis 2:18, 

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.

The underlined phrase seemed to have jumped at me... What if I really were the 'suitable helper'  that God made for John.. in order to help him accomplish the task that God has entrusted him.. what if, out of fear, I choose not to respond due to some personal preferences and selfishness?

With the help of God, the fear of the unknown was instantaneously replaced with the fear of disobeying Him and the corresponding consequences of disobedience.  The next thing, I remembered, was I heard myself echoing the words of Moses in Exodus 33:15-16,

“If Your presence does not go with (me), do not lead (me) up from here.  For how then can it be known that I have found favor in Your sight, I and Your people? Is it not by Your going with (me), so that I and Your people, may be distinguished from all the other people who are upon the face of the earth?”

and claimed the Lord’s response to Moses in verse 17,

The Lord said to Moses, “I will also do this thing of which you have spoken; for you have found favor in My sight and I have known you by name.” 

With that, I finally made a decision to the tune of Geoff Bullock’s “I surrender to You”.

“I surrender to You

Everything I am and ever hope to be

I surrender to You”

(to get access of this song, click this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHuCs4Jr5J8&feature=plcp)

There's just another thing, though.. I wasn't emotionally involved! A dear friend said, "if you're sure about God leading you to him, do not expect for 'fireworks' at this time.. it will just follow." And I still could remember my response, "I am not really after for 'fireworks'.. just a spark, happy na ako!"

Three months from now, I will be making a commitment to my God and the man whom He has created me for a lifetime of marital partnership.  And I think it’s alright to sing “I promise”, again and for the last time, in the presence of family and friends ‘coz after our wedding, I'll be singing for sure a new set of songs to continually honor the Lord for His faithfulness and goodness.   

And sing not only with a few sparks or fireworks in the background.. 'coz even at the moment, I am already having a pyromusical experience with John.   To God be all the glory! :-)

(P.S. Please pray for us that we will continually be able to live loving and honoring our God with our union. Thanks much.)

Things I learned when I reached 30

Three decades in the journey… well, I could say that there already are some valuable lessons I gathered from the greatest learning institution in the world, the so-called LiFE... here are a few from my notes..

@ 32

· Life is beautiful… celebrate life!

· With God, when it rains, it really does pour!

· God is indeed a God of surprises… as in, delightful surprises!

· My “greener” pasture is right where I am now

· Dreams do come true…

· Fulfillment.. it’s when you’ve come to know and live out the purpose of your being

· I am in a seemingly never-ending learning process… and I love it!

· Do not say NO. Say, "I'll try" instead then by all means do everything you can to make your probable "NO" to a big "YES". Make your conclusions only after that.

@ 31

· We may not have the capacity to forget but we have the ability to forgive

· Forgiveness is a choice and so are trust and respect

· Trust is fragile. Once broken it’s almost always difficult to fix

· Don’t set your expectations too high. You can’t expect honesty from a person who cannot be honest even with his own spouse

· God is merciful and just. He never turns a deaf ear to the cries of the afflicted

· He who trusts in the Lord will never be put to shame or be disappointed

· The sun shines its brightest after a heavy rain

@ 30

· Pain is the Shepherd’s staff for His straying sheep

· Life is a journey.. every person we meet (good or wicked), every experience we have (pleasant or painful) serves as a marker for the lessons we learned along the way that helps in equipping us to become a better traveler

· Choose your battles and be willing to lose some in order to win the war

· Never ever compromise your convictions no matter what… compromises are very costly!

· “If you want to walk on water, you’ve got to get out of the boat.”

· Obedience is an action word

· “Good is the greatest enemy of BEST”

· There still is no place like home

More than just the position

While I firmly believe that being in a “leadership position” does not necessarily make one a leader any more than a regal garment makes one a royalty, I am convinced as well that it (being in a leadership position) is the best platform where one’s leadership is perfectly exercised. Thus, for me, there is no better place that one can become a leader except in this context.

Fresh from attending two leadership summits in a row (Willow Creek’s Global Leadership Summit and OI-Australia’s Leadership Conference, in October and November respectively), I have been haunted with the feeling that the leadership principles I learned from great leaders around the world would only come to naught unless I would be able to answer this one very basic question: Am I really a leader?

“The Way of the Shepherd”, a book authored by Dr. Kevin Leman and William Pentak, however, caused me to look at the other side of the coin… and perhaps help me find the answer to that question that has been bothering me for quite sometime already.

Faces of leaders (mentors, bosses, directors) from various fields whom I got the privilege of being in contact or having work with, came to mind as I began reading through the principles that I see are being practiced by either one or all of them.

I was already halfway reading when I got struck by the question of the mentor to his protégée regarding the leadership of the latter’s father.

Honestly, like that protégée (who happened to be Ted McBride, the on-going CEO of General Technologies for nearly 20 years), I never looked up to my father as a leader for some reasons: he never held a leadership position at work (well, none that I heard of); that he is more of an introvert (he prefers to be alone rather than to be with people); that he is a man of just a few words (thus his thoughts can seldom be heard).

And as I went on reading, it dawned on me that though I had been hearing a lot about leadership as influence rather than position, I failed to see it the way how my father actually lives his leadership out that has so subtly contributed to my growth and development as a person.

A trip down memory lane brought me back to my first day in grade school when my father told me in the vernacular, “Never starve yourself. Your mother has prepared a snack for you. If it isn’t enough to fill your hunger, then buy food with your pocket money. Just be sure you have some extra money left in case of emergency.” (My one peso back then already had a long way to go.)

And as I did a quick mental picture of this occasion, which is still quite so vivid in my mind, I cannot help but smile at this fatherly reminder to a first-grader. Now talk about influence.

Flashes of various encounters with my father teaching me do some mundane tasks properly and deal with life situations, filled my memory instantaneously.

There was that moment when I was a sophomore in high school that my father taught me how to press my uniform correctly.

There was also that instance when, in response to the incident a drinking glass was broken when it accidentally slipped off my sister’s fingers, my father commented, “There’s no use crying over a broken class. No matter how much crying you make, it will never go back to its original form. Just be careful next time so that it won’t happen again.”

The principles I learned from all these? One, always be prepared in all circumstances. Give allowances for surprises. Two, there is only one way of doing things and that is, doing it correctly. And three: you cannot undo your past. Leave it behind you and learn from it. Then, move forward, this time with you as a better person.

This was how I learned some basic principles in life from my father: from what seemed to be just ordinary encounters; some daily occurrences that are normally not considered as something that even merit a thought.

But above all these is one remarkable trait I see in my father that speaks about his leadership. Like the father of the then protégée, McBride, my father is a man of unquestionable integrity.

He never compromises his values and principles even during those times when we were so hard up financially. By God’s grace, he never resorted to do things that would stain his -- and our family’s -- character and reputation in the guise of “survival”. “The end does not justify the means,” so goes the familiar adage. Di bale ng maghirap tayo, huwag na huwag lang tayong magnakaw o manloko ng tao.

And this is one leadership stance that my father has modeled with conviction to us in which we his children hope to also pass, by the help of God, to our children and our children’s children.

With that, my father gains my trust and respect not simply because he is my father. He earns it because of who he is and what he does as head of the family.

Leadership is not just confined in the boardroom afterall. One does not become a leader because he is given the title, the position. One may be placed in a leadership position by virtue of his profession or eminence but that position commands leadership only when that person lives up to it.

In the words of Dr. Jack Neumann, McBride’s mentor, “People long to follow a leader who is a person of integrity, authenticity, and compassion… a person whom they can trust.”

Hmmm, looks like I’m beginning to see the answer to the question I posted in the opening of this article. In the meantime, let me end this up here as I still have to continue digging into the remaining four of the seven secrets of the “Way of the Shepherd”.

Love indeed protects

Love, even in its most abstract form, has endless definitions. I tried to search google regarding the topic. And to my amazement, in just a matter of 0.05 seconds, 574 million references to the question, “What is love?” were generated. And take note, this figure, bearing a looooong list of definitions, is from the net alone.

Then there are those definitions that come from text messages. As I then again “googled” it, I was rather shocked to know that there are about 6.5M SMS (short message service) on love. And these are only websites, huh. When you click on one site, you will be ushered to a huge treasure of love messages.

Now try to ask little children what love is and you would also get more than just a dose of hilarity (read: reality). Just take a look at the following:

· When my grandma got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandpa does it for her now all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love. -- Rebecca, age 8

· Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other. -- Kari, age 5

· Love is what makes you smile when you're tired. -- Terri, age 4

· Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday. -- Noelle, age 7

· Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well. -- Tommy, age 6

· During my piano recital, I was on stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore. -- Cindy, age 8

· "Love is like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." -- John, age 9

· "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually get them interested enough to go for a second date." -- Mike, 10

· "One of the people has freckles, and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too." -- Andrew, age 6

· "Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind ... Love isn't like picking what movie you want to watch." (Natalie, 9)


Well, this is what LOVE is in the eyes of little children. We haven’t explored yet the world of their ascendants... those who have, in one way or the other, have experienced the joys (or the absence of it) and the pains it may have caused them. And if I’m going to write it down here, for sure, there won’t be enough space to cover it all.

Then there’s one writer who artistically defined LOVE in this statement:

Shakespeare explained it through Romeo and Juliet.
Picasso through his paintings.
Lovers through flowers.
But no one beats my best friend’s style…
He explained it to me through the Cross.

Giving of one’s life for another, as exemplified by Christ, in this context is the highest form of love and the best explanation and concrete example there is.

But I am not going to talk about this kind of love, the agape or the selfless, unconditional love. Nor discuss the other kinds of love (eros, philial, caritas) and their corresponding hierarchy which the Greeks recognized over 2,500 years ago. What I am going to share is my own experience of that one facet of love that St. Paul defined.

St. Paul to the Corinthians says: "4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8Love never fails."

In today’s world where LOVE takes a whole lot of different connotations but apparently used as if in the same context with when you say: “Oh, I LOVE this book!” or say, “I LOVE this movie”, it is so difficult to tell what a person really means when s/he tells you, “I LOVE you”.

Thus, when I come to read (though for several times already) what the Apostle Paul says: love always PROTECTS, well, I simply do not understand what he actually means… until I experienced it myself.

As a young believer, and a single woman at that, I have made a covenant way back in college, along with some of my accountability partners, to adhere to 2 Corinthians 6:14-17. That is, not to be unequally yoked together with an unbeliever.

Surrounded with similar-minded peers, I didn’t have difficulty living out this vow. More so, getting hitched with someone was the least of my priorities back then. However, it has instilled in me deeply an attitude of considering not for a relationship anyone who is not in Christ. Until last year…

Right from the start, red flags were up. It didn’t even merit a second thought. The answer was, NO! There isn’t the slightest chance a relationship could prosper unless it is founded on the same Rock. And I was honest with myself about it. Honest enough to have been misunderstood. But to him who does not share the same mindset with me, no amount of explanation would ever suffice.

For the sake of a flourishing friendship (and so I thought back then), I let time took its course. In short, I didn’t close my door to the person. I thought, this person needs help, understanding and love more than anything else as only a person who has not experienced Calvary love would behave the way he does.

But he didn’t seem to get what I meant for he still continued to pursue… pursue to the extent that I felt I was being swayed already from my convictions and lured to doing exactly that which is contrary to my principles.

About five months in that dilemma, I came to a decision: I must back off. I may still have been holding on to that covenant I’ve made, but emotionally, I was losing grip. I honor God and love Him so much that I could not allow myself to get trapped simply because I didn’t take heed of the warning signs.

So the day before my birthday last year, I talked to him. I felt he deserved to know. I believed it would be unfair to him if I would just as if vanish into thin air without any explanation. And boy, the relief I felt that time, right after we talked, was incomparable. I felt as if a huge load had been lifted off my shoulders.

Despite my resolution to lessen, if not totally cut-off any contact with him, I still did find myself texting with him. And though we didn’t see each other anymore after that talk, the messages kept coming in… and getting more emotionally “intimate” than ever. And lines from him like, “you alone I get to tell this, etching, etching” and others to that effect, seemed to be the trend.

There were instances when the messages I’d been receiving from him became offensive already. But knowing where he’s coming from, I tried to rationalize that the kind of “environment” he’s acquainted with is exactly opposite with mine. That’s why, what’s maybe “just normal” for him is a taboo, or to be blunt about it, an assault to femininity for me. And this was despite the fact that I’d been telling him for the nth times about how I felt about it.

So by this time, it wasn’t only red flags that were up. Alarms began to ring oh so loudly as well, apparently reminding me of my commitment and love to God. I felt it was no longer wise for me to keep on communicating with this guy.

Incidentally, in one cool and beautiful April morning, a colleague approached me. Like a bomb that is just waiting to explode, it finally blew up. That time… and wham! I learned that this guy has a girlfriend. Yup! You’ve read it right. It is in the present tense. He HAS a girlfriend!

Honestly, I didn’t feel like confronting him when I learned about it, for again, I didn’t want to be misconstrued. I tried to reason out that, in the first place, we don’t have any commitment with each other and I didn’t have plans anyway of committing myself to him. Yet, I still felt that there is a need for him to know I KNEW that he had just been playing with me all along, right from the start.

And that night, just before he was able to fire up another of his string of lies, I casually brought up with him that which I’d just discovered. Interestingly, he tried to evade it. Well, as expected. And the very first word that came out from him was, “Sino?”. Di ko tuloy maiwasan ang mapangiti. I found him so funny when caught off-guard. What’s running in my mind then was, “ Tingnan mo nga naman ‘to. Sa dami siguro ng girlfriends, di na niya alam kung sinong tinutukoy ko”.

But because it was something that he could no longer deny, he eventually admitted it.

Now, you can just imagine what it would have been like had I made a commitment with this person.

Now, as I looked back to this experience, I can’t help but be amazed at just how LOVE protect me in so many ways. What a great lesson (though painful) to learn from! You see, for several times, I almost fell into the trap. All along, it was that fear and love for God that kept me from giving in. And consequently, it was the same love, God's amazing love, that protects me when I was about to make a compromise that I surely would only regret for the rest of my life.

It happens

You are caught in the midst of a traffic jam while you’re on your way to a much coveted job interview…
IT HAPPENS.

You’ve worked too hard but your bank account doesn’t seem to show any traces of it,
IT HAPPENS.

You met someone you thought is the one for you, only to find out that s/he is merely playing games with you…
IT HAPPENS.

The list is endless…
But thank God there are also instances such as the following:

A surprise treat to a concert of a world-class artist.
IT HAPPENS.

A gift of four pairs of shoes.
IT HAPPENS.

An all-expense paid tour.
IT HAPPENS.

“We have plenty of ability to get ourselves into trouble – and if we don’t do it ourselves, others do it for us. But God specializes in making the impossible possible, the hopeless hopeful, and the end merely a new beginning.”