My heart's journey (Part 2)

Five years ago, I wrote about "My Heart's Journey" chronicling my experiences through different modes of transport -- by LAND (Master), by WATER (Mission), and by AIR (Mate).  For this article, pls. click www.mywedding.com/johnmarifel/blog_post_127855.html .  However, the article only featured my land and water journeys for at the time of writing, there had been no air travel to talk about yet. But since I am now about to take off , please allow me to share with you my pre-departure experience.. as I travel by AIR.

When I was 13, I made a promise that I won’t have a boyfriend while still studying in high school.  When I got to college, though I found it very difficult to sustain that promise, I still found myself making the same commitment.  Thankfully, I was blessed with friends who shared the same conviction to honor God by making our studies a priority and refusing to be entangled with a boy-girl relationship that may only divert us from our studies.  So by God's grace, when I turned 20 (before graduating from college), I was still singing my commitment song, “I promise” by Jaci Velasquez.

“So I promise to be true to You

To live my life in purity

As unto You

Waiting for the day

When I hear You say

Here is the one I have created

Just for you.”

(to get access of this song, click on this link:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_C862VpX3cY)

When I reached the age of 30, I however found myself still singing that song!!  

“Until then, O Lord I will be content

Knowing that true love

Will come SOMEDAY

It will only come from You”

And singing this part, however made me begin to wonder.. “Is there really a SOMEDAY for me?”  I was having this thought ‘coz until then, I still had never been in a relationship though for several times, I found myself nearly there... even to the point of compromising my convictions.  I'm just thankful that God does not forget.. and is faithful in making sure that I fulfill my promise.

The good thing, however was that at this time also, I came to see a bit clearly about God’s direction for my life.  And though I wasn’t quite sure that I’d been designed for marriage, I entrusted God for a man who is not only a Christ-committed follower but whose heart is into community development('coz it would be difficult for us both if we're going into different directions) and has never been in a romantic relationship as well (to be fair with me hahaha).  At 30, I knew that the last “non-negotiable” was nearly close to impossible.  But, I said to myself, why not ask God for the impossible.  After all, He is my GOD!

Incidentally, I had well-meaning friends who were so concerned that they even went to the extent of arranging dates for me or introducing me to some eligible bachelors.  In the workplace, I also got to meet some single men who seemed to show "interest". 

But as I celebrated my birthdays year after year since I turned 30, my interest in romantic relationships began to fade. And simply because I was having the time of my life.. family, career and ministry.  I couldn’t see myself anymore having a special someone to be with in the future.  I was enjoying my single life to the full! And one of my favorite verses, in fact at that time, was Hebrews 13:8,

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever."  

Holding on to that, I firmly believed (and still do) that if God is able to make me live my life to the full tothis day, He certainly can still do that in the morrow and for the rest of my life.. as He is consistent.  And as He is God, and my God, He just doesn't, and just can't contradict His Word!

By the time I reached 35, when everything around me seemed to be going so smoothly, I talked to God again about this area in my life, “Lord, I am thankful for everything.  At this point in my life, I really couldn’t ask for more.  But there’s just one thing that doesn’t seem to be settled yet.. is marriage really part of Your wonderful plan for me?  If it is, then let me meet, within the year (2011), that person that I’m going to marry (some ultimatum there, huh. 'glad the Lord doesn't get shocked by this type of prayers hehe).  Otherwise, I as a single shall "forever hold my peace".. not that I have a problem with that.  I just wanted to have some sort of a closure in this area in my life so I can move on freely.”  And by this time, I also wasn’t comfortable anymore singing, “I promise” especially when I got to the following lines…

“Though I may be YOUNG (note: for obvious reasons!)

I see and understand

That at times like sheep we go astray

And things get out of hand”

I told the Lord, "Please let me sing a new song naman by the time I reached the age of 40!". 

2011 was quite full for me that I entirely forgot about the prayer I made early that year.. or probably because I wasn’t just really bothered about being single that I didn't spend much time praying for a lifetime partner.  In the last quarter of the year, however I received another invitation to go out from the same pastor who had been asking me out for years.  But for the nth time, I turned down his invite...  and the possibility of a meaningful relationship with each other in the future.

Time flew so fast that before I knew it, I had to pack my bags for a Christmas holiday vacation home, which was in Davao City.  And just before the year ended, I attended our high school batch reunion.  To my surprise, this pastor was there.. for we happened to be batch mates (small world!).  A quick "hi - hello" thing finished off our meeting then we both scurried back home…  home to our respective worlds again.

The day after the reunion, I got a call from him asking me out (again!).. just for an "UPdate", according to him, "since we never had the chance to meet up in Manila (where we both are residing)".  Out of guilt and the desire to break this chain of “invite – turn down – invite” thing with him for four years or five years already, I agreed (finally!) to meet up with him to what he referred to as UPdate. 

And that was IT!  After a brief introduction, we hit it off.  We were like some old friends who haven’t met for quite a long time and were just picking up where we left off.  The amazing thing was.. it happened on 31 December 2011, the LAST day of the year when I asked God to let me meet the man whom He prepared me for marriage.  Isn’t God awesome?!!

I didn’t come to realize this though (the 2011 prayer in connection with my 31 December 2011 UPdate) until I was already seeking for God’s will after Pastor John communicated his lifelong intentions to me.  It really helps to keep a journal.. we will be reminded that God doesn't forget even if we do most of the time.

And then one by one, the “non-negotiables” I had when I was 30, lined-up in a flash before my very eyes:

-  Christ-committed follower, CHECK (he’s a Christian who has been pastoring a community church for seven years)

-  Heart is into community development, CHECK (in fact, he’s finishing his masters in community development at UP-Diliman)

-  Has never been in a romantic relationship, CHECK (the most surprising part actually, given his age)

With this, it seems like the next thing for me would be to say a resounding YES to Pastor John’s proposal, right?  That easy!  But no… because there’s one lingering issue since I was in college that I had to face:  I don’t want to be a pastor’s wife… NEVER!  And since John is a pastor.. then he must not be the one! But the funny thing was, while I could fully remember saying back then that I don’t mind trading off married life to singleness as long as I won’t be a pastor’s wife.. I just couldn’t remember the reason why I held on to that resolve for years!

As I continue to seek the Lord about His will in this matter through His Word, my mentors and close friends, and my mother, I was led to spend time in the Book of John Chapter 21 (that part where Jesus reinstated Peter and asked him three times if he loved Jesus).  I suddenly found myself in the shoes of Peter. If I were asked the same question three times, I would have echoed his answer without batting an eyelash.  Like Peter, I wasn’t getting what Jesus really meant with that question.  It’s always easy to say, “yes, Lord I love you”, but do I really know what does that love really mean?  

I had to face my fears  -- mostly fear of the unknown -- and put my trust in the Lord.  I came to realize that I didn’t actually trust Him enough.  And that’s what really gripped me to my uttermost especially when I got to read Genesis 2:18, 

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.

The underlined phrase seemed to have jumped at me... What if I really were the 'suitable helper'  that God made for John.. in order to help him accomplish the task that God has entrusted him.. what if, out of fear, I choose not to respond due to some personal preferences and selfishness?

With the help of God, the fear of the unknown was instantaneously replaced with the fear of disobeying Him and the corresponding consequences of disobedience.  The next thing, I remembered, was I heard myself echoing the words of Moses in Exodus 33:15-16,

“If Your presence does not go with (me), do not lead (me) up from here.  For how then can it be known that I have found favor in Your sight, I and Your people? Is it not by Your going with (me), so that I and Your people, may be distinguished from all the other people who are upon the face of the earth?”

and claimed the Lord’s response to Moses in verse 17,

The Lord said to Moses, “I will also do this thing of which you have spoken; for you have found favor in My sight and I have known you by name.” 

With that, I finally made a decision to the tune of Geoff Bullock’s “I surrender to You”.

“I surrender to You

Everything I am and ever hope to be

I surrender to You”

(to get access of this song, click this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHuCs4Jr5J8&feature=plcp)

There's just another thing, though.. I wasn't emotionally involved! A dear friend said, "if you're sure about God leading you to him, do not expect for 'fireworks' at this time.. it will just follow." And I still could remember my response, "I am not really after for 'fireworks'.. just a spark, happy na ako!"

Three months from now, I will be making a commitment to my God and the man whom He has created me for a lifetime of marital partnership.  And I think it’s alright to sing “I promise”, again and for the last time, in the presence of family and friends ‘coz after our wedding, I'll be singing for sure a new set of songs to continually honor the Lord for His faithfulness and goodness.   

And sing not only with a few sparks or fireworks in the background.. 'coz even at the moment, I am already having a pyromusical experience with John.   To God be all the glory! :-)

(P.S. Please pray for us that we will continually be able to live loving and honoring our God with our union. Thanks much.)